The Suspects

by gretchen

I have a criminal in my midst and lately, my purpose in life has been to identify, prosecute, punish, and rehablitate the perpetrator, known as The Urinator. To do so, I'll draw from my extensive studies in crime, forensics, prosecution, and effective penal institutions (coursework drawn from Dateline on ID, CSI, Boston Legal, 48 Hours, City Confidential, The Dog Whisperer, and Super Max.)

THE CRIME:
Distributing bodily fluids in illegal zones (i.e., not in the litterbox and/or outside). The crimes are of serial nature and have similar MOs.

THE SUSPECTS:

Laney Janey.
This 12-year-old leggy blonde has no criminal record and her demeanour and alibis put her at the bottom of our list. Additionally, at her 65-lb size, we feel the deposits are too small to come from her.

Mookie Balookie.
The 3-year-old white male has no record of offenses, however he has motive: namely the addition of one Leo the Lionheart to the house has threatened his alpha status. He also has a long history of deviant behaviour, plots his escape constantly, and does not believe there are any rules that apply to him. Furthermore, he has exhibited odd behavior with the litter boxes to include: stalking the female when she is inside, feeling the need to mark the fresh litter immediately upon its arrival in the box (or even when it's still in the kitty litter bucket which is just weird), etc.

Turtle Durtle.
A 5-year-old exotic beauty with a very long history of such offenses, having committed crimes in the bathtub, basement, and kitchen. Such behaviour was associated with confusion and/or intimidation by one Mookie Balookie. She was found innocent by reason of insanity due to her tormentor.

Leo the Lionheart.
This 5-year-old male has a long history of such behaviour and would seem the obvious perp, but he seems to have sound alibis when the crimes were committed (Lots of, "I was alone in my cage, locked from the outside; by YOU."). However, his disinclination to accept he is not the alpha (not even close) does serve as major motivation. Additionally, like the two feline suspects, the size of the evidence does indicate the illegal deposits could be coming from him.

STATUS OF THE INVESTIGATION.
Ongoing. Another crime committed this afternoon. Leo claimed he was being taunted by Mookie in the study. Mookie refused to corroborate his story. Turtle claims she had not left the window in 8.25 hours. Laney was following Jamie around the house.

The CSI Unit said that analysis of the evidence has proved somewhat inconclusive. Our lead suspect, Leo, has been banned from the crime scenes as a precautionary measure. I

Unfortunately, due to a problem with a line up last week in which all four suspects charged the accusor demanding pets and treats and playtime with rope toy, we have decided this method of identification is futile. Additionally, one suspect, Mookie, made a run for it in the mayhem and ended up in the neighbors yard. Again.

If you have information which can lead to an arrest, please contact Detective Krieslip.