Employee Manual, Addendum One

by tess

College failed to prepare me for the business world. So like many others of my generation, I relied on films to inform and inspire my modus operandi as it pertained to the Wonderful World of Workaday Wonks.

Movies typically portray the office as an environment where the Underdog who works via unconventional methods wins – if not the most money or the undying gratitude of the Evil Boss, then at least some modicum of satisfaction and/or self-respect. Think about the slackers from Office Space, Working Girl’s Tess McGill, the girls from Nine to Five, Secretary’s Lee Holloway, and obviously J.C. Wiatt in Baby Boom. To differing degrees they worked around the system or relied upon subterfuge; some exploited the failings of the system and others embraced its foibles. All withdrew stronger than they entered.

Of course not all managers embrace Hollywood’s Unconventional Underdog theory. It’s important to temper one’s expectations of real life when compared to that portrayed in reel life. After all, two mice have wielded substantial power in their movie professions not reflected beyond the silver screen: Ratatouille as the best chef in Paris and Mickey as the original Harry Potter à la sorcerer’s apprentice.

So lacking cinematic role models upon whom one can consistently rely, this is the first in a series of employee manual addenda that will help you to avoid the pitfalls and pratfalls that might prove harmful to the advancement of your career.

1. It’s never a great idea to cry at work. Unless you’re an actress on a soap opera, in which case it’s required on a daily basis. But if you should inadvertently find yourself weeping at your desk, I would recommend that you temporarily flee the office building altogether, or at very least hide in a ladies room stall. Unless you’re a man, in which case you should probably slam your hand in a steel doorway and pretend that’s what made you cry to begin with.

One word of advice: blaming your tears on non-existent allergies will not work. Nobody’s going to buy it. And if it’s possible to look even more wretched than you already do with your quivering chin, red eyes, and snotty nose, the allergies lie is sure to punch your one-way ticket straight past Patheticville to Loserland.

2. When preparing for a major presentation, be wary of all external influences that might affect your pitch. Obviously it’s important to watch out for wet paint, fresh tar, birds flying overhead, and dog doodoo among other things.

But even the media can wreak havoc on your delivery. Listening to Paula Deen might modify your South California growl into a shudder-inducing drawl, while watching Gwyneth “Fishsticks” Paltrow could inexplicably transform your Midwestern twang into a teddibly British clip.

Similarly, physical mannerisms can be accidentally adopted. Watching The Godfather too frequently before meeting a high-ranking associate could tempt you to kiss his ring while swearing your fealty. An introduction to important clients could be destroyed by an awkward curtsey or bow after too many viewings of The Sound of Music’s “So Long, Farewell, Auf Wiedersehen, Goodbye” number. Trust me, it’s happened.

3. While one has no control over one’s dreams, it’s important to exercise extreme caution when sharing the details of dreams with colleagues. Particularly when those dreams prominently feature co-workers and/or supervisors in extremely X-rated situations and/or acts.

4. If you’re fortunate enough to work in an office that helpfully provides a Suk-O-Meter comparing the daily suckosity of yourself and your colleagues, it would be best to keep the Suk-O-Meter concealed when clients visit your offices. If said Suk-O-Meter is too large and/or permanently attached to conceal, then try disguising it as an inspirational achievement chart.

5. Every office disseminates propaganda regarding their open-door policies and enthusiasm to welcome unfamiliar strategies. Despite what you see in the movies or read online, remember three Words: Rebels Rarely Triumph. Never make waves lest the Anti-Negativity Police goose-step in wearing their high black boots and scarlet sashes, spiriting your quivering (albeit well-meaning) carcass away to enjoy the Wheel of Misfortune, never to be heard from again.

These are just a few job tips that have undoubtedly been omitted from the rules and regulations listed in your official employee manual. Check back frequently for more vocational advice. Future professional pointers include:
Effective Team Building: Depriving a Local Village of Their Idiot
Beyond the Dog: 50 Plausible Excuses for Everyday Errors
Delusions of Adequacy: How to Overcome a Room Temperature IQ