The Art of Online Shopping

by gretchen

Because I am on vacation, I have decided I do not need to create beautiful prose. It's vacation, people. I shouldn't have to try. Note also, I don't think I should have to be doing laundry, mowing the lawn, cleaning the kitchen, or returning the $25 I found in the wash yesterday to its rightful owner. I consider it a tip for washing people's underpants ON VACATION.

Anyway.

It has come to my attention that many of you simply do not understand the art of shopping online. The allure you get: the variety, the cost comparison, the ability to do it in your jammies, the pleasure of trying on clothing without florescent lights around. It's the ART I think people don't get.

PHASE I
First of all, you have to start with an item you "need" which is defined as something which popped into your head while you stood in your closet and discovered you lacked some critical article of clothing/shoes which would make your outfit but, at that moment, is in some store instead of on the floor of your closet.

Amateurs will start with one reliable site in search of said item. Professionals will have at least five sites going. At once.
Begin looking for item. Quickly, you will find 12 other things you need more.
Guess at the sizes (professionals know to not even bother with the size charts; they lie.
Put them all in your cart(s).
Repeat at several other sites.
Visit YouTube.
Visit the kitchen.
Go on with your day.
Revisit carts several times over the next few days.
Tell yourself you are waiting for the free shipping or 20% off deals.
At one point, you start throwing things out of your cart and putting new things in.
After a few days, you'll throw everything out and start over.
By now, you have forgotten what the hell started you shopping in the first place.
Leave the carts again.
Some sites will send you an email letting you know that you have left things in your cart.
Because they nagged you, instantly empty that cart.
This gives you time to think, to consider, to buy what you really need. In a store, you've got just a few minutes to make a decision. The internet gives you days and days. It's wonderful.
One day, it's usually a Thursday, you'll get a bug up your butt and you'll buy everything in all your active carts. You'll have decided you can't wait for the free shipping or the 20% off.
The following day, you'll get the two-for-one and free shipping deals in your inbox.
You'll swear.
Over the next week or so, you'll be visited by Brown Santa (UPS, not Mr. Hanky) with surprises and wonders. This starts Phase II of online shopping.

PHASE II
The first think you will notice is that you have no idea what you ordered. This means you both forgot which items made the final cart-cut as well as which carts were actually purchased.
As your surprises come in, you'll get to try them on. Some will be instant hits. Some will involved questions such as:

• Does this make my hips look too big? (Yes)
• Is this too baggy? (Yes)
• I have no idea what to wear this with? (Neither does anyone else)
• It was $9.00, should I return it? (No)
• I wonder how long I can tolerate how tight these shoes are? (Long time)
• Who ordered this? (You did; you were drunk)

Then you'll decided which ones you are going to take the time to return. Some companies will give you free shipping on anything you exchange. Work this. You can order one shirt and then exchange it for 12 items on which you get a 20% discount and free shipping (you just need to know which sites offer this and I'm not telling, lest they figure out I'm working them)

And then, in a few days, you get to start all over because you never did buy that one critical item, now did you?