by tessa and gretchen
"Why can't you just" is often followed by any number of requests but, really, it's all pointless. Whatever comes after those words isn't really what the sentiment is about. What the sentence (however it's completed) really means, "You are pissing me off; quit it."
And it got me to thinking about other things that we say and don't really mean.
1. "Best" as in signing an email, "Best, Gretchen." It's not really my best. I'm usually just sending you my average. Almost certainly my hurried.
2. "I swear to God..." This is my favorite when uttered by those who are atheists and agnostics (of which I know many). I mean, they can swear to God all they want, but it doesn't mean squat. And, even for those who do believe in God, I'm pretty sure God isn't interested in such idle threats as, "If you throw that tennis ball against the wall of my office one more time, I swear to God I am coming over there and making you eat it." Now you aren't, and God doesn't care either way and if God does, I'm not sure it's really God-like.
3. "I'm going to kill him." Wives around the globe utter this empty threat daily and it's only rarely truthful. However, I've watched enough Law & Order to know that if you husband shows up dead, they take those statements very seriously (even though you know if it's investigated in the first 1/2 hour it will be a moot point because the first half hour always takes you to the most obvious but always innocent suspect).
4. "My son/daughter is the _________-est." I bet he/she isn't. You know why? Because every single parent I know thinks their child is superior in some way. Why? Because they are proud parents and that is what they are supposed to think. But here's why it's not true. If every child is above average, how is it that there are so few above-average adults. And if you think I'm being elitist about that, you just go to a NASCAR race. I'm telling you, the math doesn't work.
5. "My wedding day is going to be the best day of my life." All downhill from there? Too bad.
6. "Drop dead. Kill me now. Bite me." Wouldn't you be shocked if your brother followed through on this command and dropped dead at your feet? Or took out a crossbow and murdered you on the spot? How about if he munched a great big chunk out of your leg? That'd be a shocker.
7. "Sorry." Okay, so sometimes (rarely!!!) we are truly, honestly, speaking-from-the-heart sorry. But not usually. It's just a quick bandaid to stick on an argument so that everyone can just move on already. And, btw, the nuns were right. When we say we're sorry, we're generally just sorry that we got caught, not that we did whatever it is we're not truly sorry for.
8. "Literally." How many times have we heard (or, horrors, used) the word literally when figuratively is the appropriate word? "I literally wish I was a fly on that wall." Really? Because that's a very lame wish and you better seriously hope there's no genie around because it would suck to be granted that particular wish. "He literally jumped 20 feet in the air!" Gee, that's quite a leap. I'm guessing he must be a superhero of some sort? Larry Lizardman? Frogman of Fresno?
9. "Personally, I think..." Rarely is this necessary other then when you disagree with something you had to do professionally. For example, PERSONALLY I think we should all get a day off for our pet's birthdays, but in my professional opinion, that's ridiculous. However, most of the time it's a chick thing to say to soften what they really think (translation: I'm afraid of my own opinions). And no, we aren't going to get into female self-deprecation through language today.
10. "That's just me." This really means, "I'm an asshole and I don't care."
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