Brewtus

by tess

Throughout this great nation, a simmering agitation seething just below the surface threatens to boil over. Is it due to the economy? The war? Gay marriage? The cancellation of Lipstick Jungle? No, I think not.

Coffee is the catalyst of disquietude.

Each week in every office across America, hours are invested quarrelling over sugar, sweeteners, milk, cream, dairy substitutes, flavors, filters, spoons, stir sticks, unclean coffee mugs, the comparative strength or weakness of each pot, and the inevitable You-kill-it-you-fill-it-That’s-not-fair-I-always-have-to-make-it feud. Simply, coffee is the Godzilla-sized time-suck that is single-handedly dismantling America.

Companies only tolerate this time-consuming addiction because they believe caffeine will boost productivity. I think staunching the argument flow about who last purchased unsweetened, mocha-flavored, low-carb soymilk would escalate efficiency ten-fold. As for caffeine, it seems to be most required by our colleagues who each day recite Letterman’s Top Ten, quote every Conan quip, and critique each Leno guest. Plan B to the reduction of Vitamin Caffeine: Sleep, it’s something new. You might want to try it.

A 1998 episode of South Park rhapsodizes about The Black Ichor of Life, calling it “Country fresh, like the morning after a rainstorm” and “Mild, like that first splash of sun on an April morning.” Sounds swell. Of course the same episode also taught us that singing Underpants Gnomes steal boys’ knickers for profit. So I’ll scrutinize both conceits with all due consideration.

In fact, Morning Thunder tastes like a sewer. I’m sure there are some lovers of Hawaiian-Chicory-Sumatra-Kona-dark-roast-house-ground-robusta-double-shot-breva-cappuccino-hazelnut-flavored-in-a-French-press-by-a-barefoot-virgin-wearing-a-toga coffee-lovers who disagree with me. Taste is in the mouth of the beholder. And I can guaran-dam-tee that your mouth smells like coffee-dregs stench and your teeth look like they’ve been spray-tanned. So that’s cool that you like the taste. Bottoms up.