The Nick-Name Rules

Tess and I had a discussion awhile back, and by "discussion" I mean email. We've made some decisions, decisions which I passed along to the not-husband this afternoon on our hike.

1. "Buddy" will only be used for male animals. Not for your male friends, not for your male children. "Little dude" and "Little man" is acceptable for young boys.
2. "Bro" will only be used between actual, legal, blood-related brothers. If you are an younger brother you might think your name is, "Dweeb," "Twerp," "Stinkmaster," or several less polite words I can't bring myself to type but focus around male anatomy, farts, and poop. Your name is nothing; you are a servant and whipping boy.
3. "Dude" is acceptable until age 30. Then switch to "man." Unless it's preceded by "The" and addressed to a man in a bathrobe.
4. "Sis" is right out. If you are an younger sister you might think your name is, "Get out," "Go away," or "Give me back my clothes," but that's not the case. Your name is, "Don't tell Mom."
   If you are an older sister, your name is, "I promise I won't tell Mom." (It's a lie; she's totally telling Mom.)
5. "Princess" is also an absolute no-no. In fact, this should go at the top of the list for parents. Call your daughter princess and you are just asking to pay for eyebrow waxing at 13, pedicures and manicures at 15, and a grandchild at 16 that you get to raise while she goes out and parties with her friends and spends your money. "Princess may only be used for cats (not dogs) and certain friends who actually know you are mocking them out and are totally OK with it because they know you have a point.
6. "Miss (first name)" or "Mr. (first name)" I'm a little sick of this shit. When I was a kid, everyone was Mr. (last name). Even the ones who were 20. I'm 36 and some dipshit 10-year-old called me Gretchen a few weeks ago. My though here is that until you are old enough to legally pay for a glass of wine for me, I'm Miss Kriesen to you. Miss Crease in the Pants if you're nasty.
   FYI, I'm going to get a lecture from the not-husband about calling a 10-year-old a dipshit later.
7. Pet names are out. You can use "Sweetie," "Hubs," "Baby," and "Honey." As soon as you move on to "Puffin," "Snookems," "Daddy," you have crossed the line. BTW, "Bonehead," "Idiot," "Wackjob," "Freakizoid," "Nutjob," "The Money," "The Warden," and "That insane person who can't seem to remember to turn the oven off and is going to burn down the house" are all perfectly fine.
8. Fuck-face, dickhead, and the like are all out. We demand you get much more creative. Tessa can give you a list of alternatives. She's got a million.
9. You will address your mother in only four manners, and please get them right:
   "Mom." Everything is fine. Said calmly.
   "Ma!" Said either when you are yelling through the house to find her and/or she's not listening to you.
   "Mildred." Said when she's really not listening to you, annoying you, or just being slightly insane. And it's Mildred. Not your mom's name.
   "Crazy lady." When you catch her singing to herself in Wegman's and/or flirting with your friends.
10. You will address your father in only three manners, and please get them right:
    "Dad."
    "Dad?"
    "Dad!"
    He's your dad. You can't call him anything else. Period. Don't disrespect the father figure.