Vaca: the stats

by tess

So I survived vacation and here are the facts and figures to prove it.

# miles flown round-trip - 26,200

# hours flown round-trip - 52.25

# hours spent waiting in airports - 26.75

# hours video shot by The Hubs - 2.5

# hours video during which you can hear my voice in the background telling him how to shoot video - 2.475

Ratio of island Population to # Scooters on island - 5,000,000 : 4,999,997

Crazy things transported by scooter – ladders, surf boards, propane tanks, 5-gallon water jugs, McDonald’s delivery in an enormous ice chest

# stop lights on island of 5 million people - 3 (right-of-way is determined by size and the persistence of one’s horn)

Maximum speed attained during 18 hours of driving around island - 14 mph

# ancient topless women seen from car – 2 (covering one’s breasts is a relatively recent adjustment to the Balinese and some very old women refuse the new-fangled modesty laws issued from Jakarta)

Books read – 3, including The Liar’s Club by Mary Karr, The Lake of Dead Languages by Carol Goodman, and Freakiverse by Gretchen Kriesen

Games of Rummikub, Sequence, and Gin Rummy won by The Hubs - 37,857,921

Pounds of packed (female) clothing versus pounds of packed clothing actually worn – 54.6 vs. 6

Pounds of packed (male) clothing versus pounds of packed clothing actually worn – 24 vs. 4

Mosquito bites - 5 (1 massively infected because men are incapable of leaving themselves alone)

Cases of Swimmer’s Ear - 2 (1 necessitating a forthcoming doctor’s visit)

Ratio of Hindu temple visits to Catholic mass attendance – 7 in 13 days : 1 in 25 years

Consecutive hours of Bali Belly - 4 (times two bathrooms, thankfully)

# hamburgers served including ham, poached egg, cucumber, sambal, and pounded vaguely burger-esque meat-like substance – 1

# meals served without cucumber and tomato slices – 0 (including breakfasts)

# beers consumed by 2 people in 13 days – 33 (note: that this is an all-time record for least drinking during a vacation EVER and due exclusively to how difficult alcohol is to obtain there)

# 5-gallon jugs potable water consumed by two people in two weeks via drinking and cooking – 4

# napkins encountered – 0 (nearly empty boxes of "fun-size" single-ply tissues are provided on tables, but no napkins)

Ratio (in ounces) of protein to rice served in any meal – 3:20

Monstrous sights - 5’ iguana, 4’ monitor lizard, my butt crammed into the boy shorts of a tankini

# monkeys seen fornicating in the street - 2 (at least it’s an even number, right?)

# unloved, neglected, starving dogs – 10,000,000,000

Neighbor dogs befriended – 3 (Mr. Brown Dog, Smiley Dog, Thumper Tail Dog)

# vendors carrying entire inventory on top of their heads chasing us down the street yelling “Big Size Here! Biggest Size for You!” – 172

# Bali tee shirts that will disintegrate upon the first run through the washing machine - 2

# postcards purchased – 0

# sarongs purchased – 2 (because 6 sarongs aren’t enough apparently)

# larger-than-life intricately-carved-from-teak circumcised phallus bottle openers purchased – 3

# Singapore airport x-ray scanner technicians who laughed hysterically at my embarrassment when they demanded to see (and fondle) the bottle openers in front of 90 billion tourists – 7

# husbands who suffered death-by-shooting-eyeball-glares when wife realized aforementioned phallus bottle openers had been packed in her carry-on - 1

# nights spent cowering from the heat and bugs in air conditioning behind mosquito netting – 13

# flat sheets used in bedding – 0 (just a fitted sheet and a light-weight comforter)

Movies and TV shows watched aboard Singapore Airlines: The Godfather (3 times), Rachel Getting Married, Frost-Nixon, Californication, Little Britain USA (4 times), Fawlty Towers (2 times), Beautiful People BBC (2 times), Kicks BBC (2 times), Clones BBC, Cocktail Kings BBC, Gardens of India, Killadelphia, Scrubs (2 times), Ray Ramano HBO special, Celebrity Apprentice (during which Piers kicks Omarosa to the curb), & Hell’s Kitchen (Pointedly not watched – Twilight, Australia, High School Musical 3)

# General Hospital episodes missed – 14

# hours spent watching Al Jazeera (the only English television available) – 28

Per capita GDP in Bali - $760.09 (hence the back-breaking poverty visible everywhere but the resorts)

Price owed to General if selected as a policeman – 60,000,000 rupiah (around $6,000; the job is so sought after that you have to pay to get it)

# hours spent in departing-to-the-US clothes - 43.5 (except for jogbra which enjoyed a 7 hour holiday stuffed into the airplane seat pocket during the Singapore-to-Frankfurt leg)

# times either of us thought “Can you shut the hell up for 24 seconds?” – 11,597 (per day)

# hours spent canoodling with my cats upon arrival home - 6