Observations at a bar

I watch the stupid girl giggle at the outside bar. She's barely 22, has just finished working at the mall (she's manager at Claire's now, woo hoo!), and is letting off some steam by drinking a 40 in the hot afternoon sun. The guys are leering and the combination of beer, sun, and 22 is going to land her puking in the bathroom in fewer than 39 minutes. She'll get dragged home by her friends, fall asleep on a friend's smelly couch, and show up to the mall at 10:45 to sell scrunchies and cheap earring to tweens.

And watching this drama unfold, I think to myself:
1. Why are we 30 somethings drinking at this bar?
2. This is why I went to college.

It has no course number, doesn't get graded, but every student will be tested, repeatedly, for all the years he/she is in college, be it 4 or 12. Let's hope it's not 12. Seriously, people.

The Internal Intoxication Alert.

This alert, honed through four years, is made up of all those little things that tell you when you are:
1. Having fun
2. Having too much fun
3. Definitely near trouble
4. Going to holding onto the floor for the next 24 hours.

Different stages manifest in a unique manner for each of us and that's why you go to colllege: to give you four years to diagnose yourself under a myriad of circumstances and behave accordingly. Me? Stage one meant that I was laughing pretty hard and only slightly obsessing about how clean the bar bathroom would be. Stage 4 basically involved lying like a speedbump on the floor, awake and coherent but definitely not moving on purpose.

Freshman spend a lot of time in Stage 4 because they haven't been in training long enough. Juniors make the most of this fact and torture the freshman because when the freshman pukes, they won't be in the same dorm. Seniors lead the way, seeming able to linger forever at Stage 2. It takes years of training to get to this status. By the time you graduate, you should be a professional.

And there are two things will obliterate it in mere weeks and leave you immobilized after two beers like a Freshman girl from Iowa.

1. Babies.

2. Graduate School.

Either of these situations will require you start practice all over and require diligent training to get back to your peak, "I can drink a box of wine in a night and be up for my 8:30 Western Civ test with time to brush my teeth" shape.

But still, it's like getting on a bike. Or, in some cases, a unicycle. But still, those four years of training will come back. You'll be fine.