Chewing under your desk

What if Tessa and I worked together in a tiny, quiet office with a unisex bathroom ten feet from our workspaces and a thin cubicle wall between us? And what if we had really boring jobs that didn't challenge us? And what if we had IM?


Thing 1: Can you hear me chewing?
Thing 2: No. Did you hear my stomach growl?
T1: No. Maybe a little.
T2: Sorry.
T1: That's OK.
T2: Let me know when your next meeting is.
T1: Why?
T2: I want to eat an apple. I cut it up, but it'll be loud, so just let me know.
T1: OK. 1:00.
T2: That was the chair.
T1: What?
T2: That noise. It was the chair.
T1: I really didn't think you farted.
T2: Good. I think I just heard Frank drop his pen. In his office. Down the hall.
T1: I think I can hear my blood flowing.
T2: I think I can hear your blood flowing.
T1: It's too quiet.
T2: Way too quiet.
T1: I'm going to die it's so quiet.
T2: I would miss you.
T1: I would miss you, too.
T2: But I would steal all the snacks in your desk.
T1: I would expect nothing less. Oh. Sorry.
T2: Dude. I heard that. What was that?
T1: I burped. I thought it was going to come out really quietly but here, in the great chasm of silence, it sounded like a volcano.
T2: I think the client on the conference call heard you.
T1: Shut up. Put your headphones on.
T2: THEY ARE. That's how loud you are.
T1: You know, you aren't so quiet yourself, missy. Could your keyboard be any louder?
T2: I ordered it especially so. Did it just to annoy you and make you less productive.
T1: Mission accomplished. It rings in my head like a thousand Barbie dolls running across the floor in their plastic high heels.
T2: What is it with you and Barbies?
T1: Dunnno. Ugh. Sounds like Earl had something bad for lunch.
T2: That's going to smell.
T1: Why doesn't he use the air spray. That's why we put it in there.
T2: It's admitting he did it.
T1: Everyone KNOWS he did it. We can all hear it. And smell it. And it sticks to him.
T2: What does?
T1: The smell. It sticks. Sometimes that happens. Like you think you've left a stink behind and it decides to follow you. Because it likes you. It's like a puppy.
T2: You have some serious issues.
T1: Is it lunch time yet?
T2: It's 9:15.
T1: So you've already eaten yours?
T2: Yes.
T1: Natch.
T2: I don't mind if you eat your apple.
T1: What if I chew really slow? Then you won't hear.
T2: Yeah. You've tried that before. Doesn't work.
T1: You heard that?
T2: It was like someone trying to open a hard candy slowly at the opera.
T1: Why do people at the theater suddenly need hard candy? I have never seen anyone eat hard candy at any other time but get into a theatre and they just have to have it, can't wait, need it need it need it.
T2: Same reason why everyone wants to laugh in church.
T1: You know
T2: We don't have time for this. I have to go collate.
T1: Can I help?
T2: We've been through this.
T1: People can change.
T2: Eat your apple; I'm leaving my desk.

And this is why we have good jobs, no IM, and work very, very far away from each other. But she does have a unisex bathroom about 10 feet from her desk. BWAHAHAHAHHAA.