Name game 2

by tess




Officially I’m an Accounting Manager. But, trust me, that’s just as contrived a title as anything The Hubs dreams up. My main task at work is to narc on my co-workers. Fortunately I’ve been a brown-nosing tattletale for 46 years now, so it’s a job I embrace. Specifically I inform my manager about my colleagues’ tardiness. Alas, a job I was born to do! One’s inability to arrive in a timely fashion is by far the peeviest of my copious pet peeves. Let’s envision my response to lateness together, shall we? See Rumpelstiltskin completely losing his shit, stomping his little feet and bashing his little fists, completely deranged in an orgy of blood vessel-bursting frustration? Now imagine him with gray hair and red bifocals wearing wrinkled mom-jeans and pink Isaac Mizrahi flats from SuperTarget. Yup. That’s me at 8:35 every morning.

As Human Timeclock, I enjoy the benefits of sitting in the pseudo-Receptionist area between the front door and the restroom. Until a few months ago, I could count the number of times The Smokers went outside for ciggy snacks and cell phone chats. Now that they’re restricted to just two breaks, I have a lot less to do. But I can still count the number of times Katie gets up to wash her hands per hour. She’s not OCD, she just can’t sit still. If she’s not washing her hands, then she’s wandering into the kitchen eating other people’s food. While she’s in there the ring of any phone in the office will elicit an eardrum-shattering Fran Drescher-esque: “Is thaaat miiiiiiiiine?”

Another advantage to sitting at the front desk? The immeasurable reward of hearing iterations of the same comments over and over and over again.

Whenever possible, an external force must be named as the culprit for one’s lateness.
Huuuuuge accident on 95. Right in front of me.
Turnpike is a parking lot. I left home like 3 hours ago!
I had to stop and get milk for everyone’s coffee.
It’s raining soooooo hard and my dog’s really afraid of thunder.

If I have food on my desk, then it’s
Wow, that looks good.
What is that?
Where did you get that?
Is it good? I bet it’s good.
How much was that?
Do you have anymore?
Have you had that before?
You know what? I’m just gonna run over and get one of those. Tell everyone to hold the meeting, I’ll just be a second.

And when it’s warm outside (as it is wont to be during South Florida summers)
God, it’s hot.
Can you believe how hot it is?
It’s AFRICA hot out there today.
It’s supposed to hit 103 today.
I’m already completely soaked. This sucks.
It’s not bad enough to go through The Change. This is just unacceptable.
Can you believe my stupid A/C doesn’t work again so I’ll be late tomorrow.

And Rumpelstiltskin begins her dance anew.