Her evil twin

by tess

In an attempt to rejuvenate Gretchen’s flagging interest in writing for you, I’m appealing to her Evil Twin, Wretchen.

See Gretchen is lots of wonderful things – she’s smart and creative and responsible. And that’s all fine and dandy if you select Vanilla when offered 857 flavors. It’s her evil twin Wretchen who rocks the party.

Gretchen whimpers quietly when she is told she’s collating incorrectly.
Wretchen boldly wipes her dirty hands on the office walls daring anyone to comment.

Gretchen wonders about lonely shoes on the highway.
Wretchen spurns common civility by leaving the salt on the table. Daily.

Gretchen frets about her hips then goes for a quick 3 hour run.
Wretchen eats ice cream cake for lunch then drinks 2 bottles of wine for dinner.

Gretchen wears high heels and a tiara when she vacuums.
Wretchen refuses to empty the dishwasher come hell or hot water.

Gretchen works hard to support and inspire her team in good times and bad.
Wretchen refers to my office as The Halfway House for the Mentally Challenged.

Gretchen silently disapproves of asking a waitress for an extra plate.
Wretchen lies unremittingly to her lover about how the cheese got on top of the VCR.

Gretchen may be a friend but Wretchen is my hero. My soulmate. The Laurel to my Hardy; the Lenny to my Squiggy. She is the veritable wind beneath my wings. She is music. And she writes the songs.

And just as the snake offered Eve the apple (Don’t ever get Gretchen started on Genesis!), I am offering Wretchen this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. Use this blog for evil, not good. Use this blog to taunt those who abuse the English language. C’mon, you know you want to.

I’ll even start!

1. I won’t expose the website because they’re good people doing a good (albeit profitable) thing. But I found this sentence on their Home page today:
If you know anyone who you think might be interested in learning about XXXXX or may want to become a XXXXXX themself, click here to forward them this e-mail.

And as a follow up, I’d like to add three of my favorite colloquialisms.

2. Baforementioned.
When referring to the attributes of the baforementioned evil twin, our bloggiste quoted two iconic 70s BMs: Bette Midler and Barry Manilow.

3. Dickmatized.
Demi was so dickmatized by Ashton that she financed his inane projects and let him tweet an unflattering semi-nude picture of her.

4. A whole nother.
This phrase has become so ubiquitous in today’s society that people who eschew it must be from a whole nother dimension.