HGTV: 3 pet peeves

by tess

Before I begin ranting away, just a note to say that I've always been fond of the term "pet peeve." Not only am I a big fan of alliteration, but I quite enjoy the mental image of a vastly more attractive me sitting on a stunning sofa stroking my pet, Peeve, a la Dr. Evil.

Here then are three ways that HGTV families elicit the The Bitter Sigh of Contempt followed in short order by The Mocking Eyeroll of Aversion.

#1 - "We entertain a lot."
I will grant you, contrary to my own personal experience, that some people do frequently entertain. To quote someone near and dear to the black hole where my heart once beat, "it is statistically improbale" that Every Single Family Ever Shown on HGTV Entertains All the Time. And if these families do, in fact, entertain all the time, how are they then thrilled with the final result of two love seats and a chair? Sounds to me like reasonable seating for three and vastly uncomfortable seating for five. Sorry, that's no party! You're supposed to decorate your house the same way you buy your car - for the way you use it 90% of the time. Besides Heads of State, who entertains 90% of the time? And if you do? Then tell those freeloaders to GET OUT OF YOUR HOUSE! You're not entertaining, you're running an adult day care service with free snacks and TV! Get them off the couch and out the door. NOW!

#2 - "I need a crafts room for my scrapbooking."
Three simple words. NO. YOU. DON'T. Back away from the pinky sheers and stop buying those idiotic stencils, punchers, ribbons, stickers, and lace. "Oh, but Scrabooking can be traced back to the 16th century!" You know what? So can the Great Plague of London. That doesn't make it cool. And, by the way, in 1574, there is not a single recorded incident of a housewife demanding a Scrapper Room for her vast collection of rubber stamps. Now I'm not saying that drinking is a better hobby than scrapbooking.... Wait, yes, actually I am saying just that.

#3 - "MYYYYYYYYYY"
No, not "Oh myyyyy, it's beautiful!" although that's sort of annoying unless it's a Candice Olson room in which case it's always true. No, I'm annoyed by the use (and it's always women!) of MYYYYYY kitchen. Not many things turn The Hubs from Phenomenally Patient Man (the guy who would rather be late to work than disturb the kitty sleeping near his briefcase) into Mr. Crabby Pants, but after a woman calls it MYYYYY kitchen ... Dr. Jekyll, please meet Mr. Hyde. It's not yooouuuuurrrr kitchen, it's the family's kitchen. More specifically, it's the kitchen belonging to the bank from whom you effectively rent your house until they decide to foreclose. In any case, unless you pay 100% of the mortgage/groceries and do 100% of the cooking, then it's not yooouuuurrrr kitchen. Similarly, there's MYYYYYYY closet. I get that women have lots of clothes. And I've admittedly claimed primary closet space ownership everywhere I've lived with The Hubs. But must it be a snarky joke Every Single Time we see a straight couple check out the master closet that it's heerrrrrrrr closet and that he'll get nothing and better like it? It's an old and disrespectful joke that's well past its prime. Perhaps it's time to move on.