On Being Mookie: 13 Steps to Recovery

by gretchen



The cat’s alive and I think it’s best we establish that now, so no animal lovers get weepy. That cat is alive, despite his very best efforts to waste all nine lives.

Late on Sunday afternoon, when I was secretly throwing the boy's crap in the garage into the garbage (ever notice how close those words are), he threw open the front door and presented me with a splay-toed Mookie, our white cat. “He’s walked through the poly. Can you take care of him?” I really didn't know how to take care of him and I suspect you wouldn't either. So I am here to help, providing you with the 13 steps you'll go through when faced with a poly-toed Mookie.

Step One: Grab phone, call mother.
Step Two: Drop cat in snow. Watch horrified cat run to door. Retrieve cat. Repeat until cat has mastered catching your waist leg halfway down.
Step Three: Tell mother who wants to tell you a story about her neighbor that you have pressing matters you need to attend to.
Step Four: Use mechanic’s hand cream on paws. Wash off cream. Wash off blood incurred from cat fleeing the faucet.
Step Five: Research on Internet. Find solution #2.
Step Six: Snatch cat. Rub peanut butter and oil on paws. Rinse paws and peanut-butter-paw prints on face, arm, sweater, and pants. Release cat. Watch peanut butter loving dog chase cat around house trying to “help” with the cleaning process.
Step Seven: Make dinner. Pour wine.
Step Eight: Having consumed dinner, relax on couch, enjoying silence. Wondering if cat is OK.
Step Nine: Upon hearing loud crash and horrific cat noise in kitchen, race in to find cat on floor, licking what are now blistered toes from running across the stove.
Step Ten: Call mother. Again. Inform her of the situation, tell her you are not sure why your cat is retarded, and that no, you still don’t have time for the story because you have more pressing matters.
Step Eleven: Put burn cream on toes. Watch cat lick it off. Wonder if cat will die from ingestion.
Step Twelve: Answer front door. Let dog out. Let dog in. Sit down on couch. Enjoy the sound of the sleet. Look our dark windows. See scary ghost pop into the window. Realize scary ghost is actually white cat, trapped outside, in sleet.
Step Thirteen: Let cat in. Inspect paws. Set wounded cat with ripped open blisters in front of the fireplace on the dog’s bed. Wonder how much longer this cat can possibly live. Put more burn cream on bloody toes. Watch cat eat burn cream.