Adventures in Detroit: The Hotel

Dear Tess,

Jamie and I, being the world travelers that we are, have just gotten back from a short stint in exotic Detroit. I was struck by many things (e.g., we drove down 8 Mile to see where he used to live and I did NOT see Eminem which was quite a shocking disappointment), but I didn't realize how much of an impact our hotel would have on my life. I experienced so many new and unexpected things.

1. The Check-In Ladies are Aliens. Or puppets. Hard to tell what's behind the alarming level of calm cheer, slightly like that sugar-sweet demeanor of one Michelle Duggar who is also, I'm quite sure, not human. I was curious as to whether they are pod-born or just land here and, as she offered Jamie a chocolate, I was very alarmed that he was going to either disappear on the spot and be taken to their home planet or that I would wake up and he would be in a cocoon waiting for The Change to happen.
2. They have happily removed the mini-bar to ensure you don't accidentally drink all the wine or eat $10 Jelly Bellies in the middle of the night. They're helping you control your spending and calorie intake.
3. They also help you watch your weight by providing a shocking lack of cream and sugar for your morning coffee. This will also help you get moving in search of cream and sugar, thus increasing your heart rate and contributing to overall good health.
4. To improve your mental skills, the parking garage is specially designed to be a complex maze which you must try to navigate while tired and confused. (Note, we didn't navigate successfully and we're not going to talk about that.)
5. Did I mention the mini bar? Yeah. That's totally awesome. Saving money AND calories. I LOVE IT.
6. In order to help you achieve greater intimacy with your partner, they've removed the sound-masking fan from the bathroom so you can hear each every single sniffle, breath, and thought your loved one makes while in there.
7. To encourage you to relax, they charge you an obscene rate for Internet, unlike other hotels that offer it for free because those other hotels clearly don't care about your ability to unplug and chill out. How thoughtful is that? They are helping to lower my blood pressure!
8. THE MINI BAR.
9. In order to teach you to control your expectations and plan for the unexpected, they will randomly not clean your room. This helps in so many ways, Tess. First, it helps you to not take things for granted and plan for (or deal with) such catastrophic events as having to use a still-damp towel, a shortage of hotel shampoo/soap/conditioner, and the heart stopping horror of walking into your room and having to embrace what a huge slob you really are because no one cleaned up your mess. (Question: why do all of the blankets and sheets end up on the floor in a hotel but this never happens at home?).
10. To help you hone your speaking skills, methods of persuasion, and patience as well as your ability to teach others key aspects of their jobs, they've provided you with Star Rewards Points but carefully trained only some staff members on how they can be used. This allows you to deliver a presentation on how their program works at least three times.
11. Another benefit of the lack of the minibar is that it allows you to work on your people skills by having to order your $4.00 Oreos or your $10 Jellie Bellies or your $6.00 beer and then face the person delivering your late-night snack to you. It also helps you practice looking Judgment in the eye and saying, "I am my own person and if I want to eat Jellie Bellies and Oreos and a Beer at 3am, I can and I do not care what you think. Nor am I tipping you."

So, you see Tess, this was not, as I first thought, crappy service. This was a whole educational program aimed at making me a thinner, stronger, more frugal, more patient, better prepared woman with an increased ability to effectively communicate and embrace the unknown.

BTW, if you tell the woman at the counter that your room wasn't serviced the whole time you were there and she says she'll look into it, how does that help me when I"m checking out? And how does it help me to hear I should have called down to let them know when I got in at 12:40 and was in no way interested in getting the room serviced at that time because it was BED TIME?

Also, just heard China is now the world's second largest economy -- happening just months after you and Dunc arrived. Coincidence? I think not. I think the country should thank you by providing better cable options and unlimited Gene Lite. Who shall I call to make this happen?