Two steps forward, two steps back

Paula Abdul didn't exactly stun the world with a thunderbolt of untapped knowledge when she warbled that Opposites Attract. Everyone who has dated, or God forbid loved, an opposite knows the attraction is both a blessing and a curse. Sure, we balance one another out but we drive one another to the brink of insanity in the meantime.

My husband and I are opposite in most ways. He's tall, I'm short. I'm punctual, he's tardy. His glass continues to overflow while mine is, and always has been, bone-dry. On the other hand, we're both dreadful slobs who take Eat, Drink, and Be Merry to new places.

Despite being a bit of a shoe horse himself, The Hubs doesn't understand why it's imperative that a woman's closet include at least ten pairs of black shoes. He also think it's okay to wear pants that are too tight. He's wrong. Very, very wrong.

The Hubs fails to comprehend that God Days are the perfect union between Intelligent Design and Evolution. For those of you who weren't lucky enough to attend Sister Mary-Louise's sophomore year "God and You" lectures, I'll summarize. Basically, sure, evolution's all true: it took zillions of years for everything to develop just like science tells us. But the Creationists are also right that it only took a few days - a few God Days which are way longer than mere human days. I mean if you're Infinite, then what's a day? Just because we've arbitrarily decided on 24-hour days doesn't mean that's how God rolls. See? It all works and people can stop fussing over it already. Jeesh.

Geography, too, is a bit of a problem at our house. Having sailed all over the world, The Hubs actually cares where continents, countries, states, and cities are located. Me? Not so much. I tend to believe in more of a quadrant approach to geography. Quadagraphy, if you will. For instance, I could probably place about 75% of the states into the proper quadrant of a map. Ditto for continents. Admittedly, I would score substantially lower on assigning countries outside of Europe to quadrants. And waterways beyond the Atlantic, Pacific, and Mississippi? Nope. I view this as sort of a Dementia Surprise: each time it's "Oh look, that's where Latvia is! Huh, I didn't think it was there."

Fearing nothing, Dearest Spouse fails to understand my various phobias which include (but are not limited to): snakes, crowds, bridges, crazed midnight murderers, police, Gary Busey, highways, drowning, ghosts, hurricanes, dwarves, rats, and fire. These are specific fears that cannot be diagnosed as the Fear of Everything which is known as pantophobia. And I totally agree, how can pantophobia not be trouser-related?! Next you'll be telling me that agoraphobia isn't the fear of bunnies.

The phobia issue is timely because it's been so damn cold! Freezing to death, our kitten shuns his wee bed and prefers to snuggle with us. When Quinty elects to sleep on top of or beside me, there's no problem. But sleepless nights ensue when he decides to sleep near The Hubs. And for this I blame David Chase. If only Christopher had never accidentally killed Cosette, Adriana's little pooch! But, alas, he did. So now Sopranos-watching women all over the world fear for the lives of their small dogs and cats.

While I patiently explained The Cosette Phenomenon, The Hubs closed his eyes and grimaced in agony. Much the way he did when I taught him about God Days. Or shared why I can't watch Shadowlands. Or failed to know that Madagascar is the fourth largest island in the world. Or told him that his pants were too tight. I call this reaction The Face. If he believed in God, I'd swear that he's praying for patience, but he doesn't so it's not that. Maybe he's counting to ten. Maybe he's missing his ex-girlfriend. Maybe he's picturing the many ways he can dispose of my body after he cuts me into 10,000 Reeses-sized pieces. Who knows?

I'm just grateful that we still amuse one another. After all, if you can't laugh with someone, then at least you can laugh at them, right?