Minutiae

I loathe ironing and don't know why anyone would subject her/himself to such intense suffering. Just buy stuff that doesn't need it! And if you're wearing something that needs to be ironed, just pretend it got wrinkled on the way to work. It's all about attitude.

I think my hot flashes have started. I spend half my life bathed in sweat. Or maybe I'm just so fat that I sweat all the time. Either way -- EEWWWWWW.

This morning when I was driving to work a napkin fell on my foot. Naturally I thought it was a humongous napkin-sized bug that was going to suck all the blood out of my body through my foot. Screaming, leaping, and lifting my knee closer to my ear than it's been in 15 years is quite a way to enter an intersection. You should try it sometime.

A friend of mine recently backed into her boyfriend's car. The Hubs thought that was the knee-slappinest thing he'd ever heard. When I accidentally downloaded a virus onto his brand new computer -- not so knee-slappin'. In fact, not really amused at all. Not that I confessed, btw, I just let him think it happened magically. Because that could totally happen. Honesty in relationships? Highly overrated.

Good Times in my little life revolve around plopping my butt on the sofa, watching HGTV, and washing down frozen blueberry waffles with light beer. I have no ambition to Be All That I Can Be or to help others embrace their secret Warrior Within. That's what made the dream really strange: I met Jessica Simpson at a fast food restaurant and we became great friends. Over time, she came to rely on me as a confidante, dietician, and mentor. That's some serious crazy.

Like the majority of Floridians, we live in a gated community. Sometimes I see the incoming gate open of its own accord without a car triggering it. That's how I know there are ghosts in our neighborhood. They drive ghost-mobiles that render the gate remotes invisible. I just can't figure out which houses they live in because I can't see which direction they go. Sooner or later I'll solve this mystery and know which houses are haunted.